Ask Mahmoud

Mahmoud Ramadan

shoots straight

from the hip about

love and life.

Dear Mahmoud: I am in love with a very good friend of mine. I have known him for three years, and I find myself falling deeper and deeper. I can't tell if he only sees me as a friend, but I don't want to risk getting rejected if I decide to tell him how I feel. However, keeping it to myself is killing me. I am so scared of losing him and the friendship. I don't know what I should do. Help!

Dear Help: Don't let your love juices curdle with frustration—find out whether your feelings are returned. Keep it light, and do it on the phone or via e-mail so he can't see your beseeching eyes or the sweat dripping off your brow. Try a statement that suggests your feelings rather than declaring them, like, "A friend of mine just started dating this guy she'd been friends with for five years. Isn't that unusual? Has that kind of thing ever crossed your mind with, like, me or any of your other friends?" Or, "I had this funny dream last night that you and I were dating." It's a little corny, but it does give him enough of a lead-in to reveal the nature of his feelings without throwing the friendship into a crisis. If he responds negatively, or says something non-committal and then changes the subject, you should let the matter drop. Then, start spending some of the time you reserve for your buddy with men who see you in a more romantic light. Dear Mahmoud, Tim and I talked on the net for nearly eight months, just as friends. Recently we both had birthdays, and he drove up (he's two hours away) to take me out for a birthday dinner. When he walked in the door, he was far cuter than the tiny picture I had seen of him, and we hit it off famously. Within an hour we were holding hands and the conversation was never-ending! We went to dinner, a movie, acting like teens even though we are both 43, and then drove around talking...everything was so perfect! He decided to "get a room" since it was such a late hour; 9 hours had passed since he had walked through my door. He came out of the motel, and said, "I don't want to hurt you, but I can't do a long-distance relationship." Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. Some things were said, and some things left unsaid, but I don't know how to react to him with so many questions on my mind. He didn't call before he left town in the morning, and I've heard little from him. What do I do with all my mixed-up feelings? Confused Dear Confused: The problem with chatting on the net is that people often imagine a kind of intimacy that falls apart when tested in the "real world." You may have spent eight months punching away at the keyboard, but none of it mattered when you saw each other face to face—so many kinds of communication are nonverbal. Two hours' drive does not really qualify as a long-distance romance, so I suspect your friend objected to something other than the fact that the two of you live a few freeways apart. Certainly you got on well, and there was enough chemistry to sustain a minor flirtation on his part, but clearly everything was not as "perfect" for him as it was for you. Whatever his reasons may be, after only one date he has no obligation to articulate them, and you must accept his decision without a fuss. The next time you develop an online friendship, you should arrange to meet the man in the flesh long before there’s a chance for personal expectations to arise. Dear Mahmoud, My husband of seven years and I are separating. We have no children. He completely moved out about four months ago, leaving me alone in a big empty house. I would like to know if it is OK for me to correspond with other men. My husband is not ready to file for divorce; he needs more time to reassess his life. I'm 36 years old, from a very big family, and would like to have a big family of my own someday. Desire for a Big Family Dear Desire: The minute your husband moved out of the house in order to "reassess his life," you became entitled to do whatever you need in order to reassess yours, whether that means trolling the chat rooms for male companionship or trolling the waterfront for drunken sailors. After all, if one of your goals is a large family you certainly don't want to put your plans on hold while he sorts out an open-ended identity crisis. So if it's permission you're seeking, you've got mine. You don't need share all the gory details of your "single" adventures with your husband, but if he asks, let him know the gist of the situation. Sadly, it can sometimes take the realization that our loved ones are desirable to others for us to stop taking them for granted.