Some people claim that in the pursuit of romance, men are the hunters. Like the lions of the Kalahari, they knowingly survey the landscape, carefully choose their prey, then hone in for the kill. Others say that women do the choosing; we don "war-paint," then lure the hapless male into our luscious lairs. Setting aside all the rhetoric, when you consider stories from real life, generalities about the genders seem to melt into the air. Sometimes a man does the pursuing, sometimes it's the woman. And in many cases, attraction is so instantaneous and mutual, the entire question of who's pursuing whom seems completely irrelevant.
One woman whose unorthodox approach resulted in relationship success is Trina, a theater set designer, who has been with her boyfriend William for two and a half years.
"I literally chased him—down the street!" she recalls with a smile, blushing slightly. "I'd seen him around the city a few times—once riding the subway, another time in the grocery store. I always noticed him because he's so tall—he's six foot nine! And I always thought he was incredibly good-looking, and wondered what kind of girl was lucky enough to get with a guy like that. In fact, I became convinced that he was the perfect man for me, and figured that if only I could meet him we'd live happily ever after."
After several months, a half-dozen sightings, and innumerable romantic daydreams, Trina resolved that the next time she saw William she would make contact. And so the next time she spotted him, in a bookstore, she waited until he exited and made her approach.
"I was scared to do it—I mean, he could have had a girlfriend!" she says. "But I figured that if I allowed my shyness to win out, I'd spend my life wondering if I'd lost my one chance at finding my soul mate. So I just followed him, said, 'Excuse me,' and asked him for his phone number." Trina and William went out for drinks that evening, and have been together ever since.
William was charmed and flattered that a woman had approached him for a change, and says that Trina's confidence and spirit made an immediate good impression. "One of the things I like about Trina is that she's very vivacious, and knows what she wants," he says.
Other men find that they are the ones who generally make the first move. Eli, who works as a manager for a footwear company, says that in every one of his relationships he has taken the lead—and he likes it that way. He first spotted his present girlfriend, Cordelia, at the gym and watched her for weeks before he made the first approach. "She is very good-looking, but I wanted to observe how she was with other guys, whether she was a big flirt. But she always pretty much kept to herself. I figured she either had a boyfriend, or she was someone who was trustworthy." Cordelia's workout included the Nautilus machines, and Eli was partial to free weights, but he started doing Nautilus too, just to get near her. "When I first started talking to her I think she thought I was kind of weird. It was ages before she agreed go on a date with me. But I won her over in the end."
In some relationships, the question of pursuit seems less important than the unusual circumstances out of which they evolve. Seth met his present girlfriend, Toni, at the office: in fact, she was his boss! "I was very attracted to her but I tried to put thoughts about it out of my mind," he recalls. "But after months of working together, neither of us could deny that the attraction was mutual." Seth asked to be transferred to a different division of the same company. "I still remember the day the transfer came through," he says. "I got the news at four, and by six we were slowly walking back to her apartment, together. The sky was really beautiful, and the whole world felt fresh and wonderful. At that point we had never even kissed, but we quickly made up for lost time."
Another relationship that evolved out of strained circumstances is that of Maureen and her now-ex boyfriend, Fred. When they met, Fred was actually involved with a friend of hers. "You know how a person likes challenges?" says Maureen. "He was with her. So he seemed like a challenge to me. I thought, 'I want what she's got.' And I got him." She left, and we ultimately had two children together.
Maureen's story doesn't end so well, however: "I was very young back then. Since that time I've learned that what goes around comes around, because after five years with him the same thing happened to me. Now he comes around and sees the kiddies, but we're not together anymore."
Maureen feels that she and Fred pursued each other, but many of the best relationships seem to evolve naturally, without any stress or issue of pursuit. "I met my girlfriend Kate at a restaurant," says Jonas, a software developer. "We were looking at each other across the room. I could tell she was attracted to me, as I was to her. She wasn't all done up or anything; she had very natural good looks and a friendly face. At a certain point we both just went up to the bar and started talking. I fell in love with her on the spot."
So set aside for a moment the issue of pursuer and pursued. For many of us, what matters most is not whether we're confirming some half-baked theory about gender roles and food gathering patterns in pre-agrarian societies, but how well we connect with other individuals in the 21st century. So if love is eluding you, forget about war-paint: your most effective tool is a warm, honest smile.
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