We've all experienced it at least once: you meet someone new, you really like them, and before you know it, things are moving fast. This can range from sexual intimacy after the first few dates to spending nearly every day and night with someone you've known for less than a month. That kind of sudden change can eventually be uncomfortable and may not be the best way to begin a long-term relationship. When things heat up fast, they sometimes can burn out just as quickly. We all know this, yet we dive right in anyway.
Still, it's understandable. When you've spent a lot of time dating people who "just didn't work out," and a fair amount of time alone, it's difficult not to be excited about meeting someone who really feels "right." It's human nature to jump head first into something that feels that good, and it's certainly very American to fall in love hard and fast.
But what can we do to ensure that we give these new relationships room to develop and hopefully flourish? Most of us don't know. And even more disconcerting, what do we do when one person wants "more space" and thinks we're "moving too fast?" No matter which side you represent, there are some basic relationship guidelines to follow.
The most important thing to remember when you meet someone you really like is to create boundaries around your time and space and to communicate them effectively. That doesn't mean calling the shots or demanding that your partner conduct him or herself on your terms only. It means you express what you need outside of the relationship and you also ask them what they need outside of it.
Now I know what you're thinking. Boundaries. There's that buzzword again. Roll your eyes all you want, but if you end up invading someone's space or they invade yours, it's because you never had a conversation about how much is too much and what your needs really are.
Of course, you have to figure that out for yourself first. Many of us give so much to others that we are unclear about our own needs. When it comes to the new relationship, issues like our time alone and our time with our friends often seem irrelevant, but really, they were never more important.
For instance, how much do you value time alone exercising or reading or working on your craft or hobby? No doubt those meaningful activities you've done on your own have been keeping you healthy in the times you wished for someone special in your life. Now that they may be here, does the need for your relationship with yourself take a back seat? Chances are the person you've met is attracted to the confidence and independence that time alone helped you to develop. It's important for the new relationship that you maintain that.
And what about your friends? I can't count the number of times I called a friend to thank them for coming over or taking me out on a weekend night when going out by myself just made me feel like everyone else was in a relationship but me. Does their importance diminish when I meet someone I can be intimate with? I say it doesn't. And we've all watched friends disappear when they fall in love only to call us when they are down and out. That doesn't feel very good.
If you really think this relationship is right for you, why jeopardize it by planning a wedding on the third date? Seriously, a healthy distance doesn't mean playing hard to get, avoiding direct communication, or denying yourself time with someone you really enjoy being with. But what happened to real dating? You know, going out and doing stuff together frequently in order to get to know the other person. That is not the same thing as being immersed in another world and dropping out of your own.
When you actually take the time to get to know someone and anticipate your next get together, a relationship unfolds. Sometimes that relationship is a friendship that remains a friendship, and sometimes it's a friendship that leads to a hot love affair. Either way, a friendship is based on trust, suspension of all judgment, and open communication. With true friends you know what to expect. And maybe that person you really dig is going to end up being a friend, but not just a friend, a true friend. Someone you can really talk to and share time with socially, among other friends. If you ask most people in long-lasting relationships, they were usually friends first, and friends ask for what they need and ask what the other person needs. You've been maintaining boundaries with your closest friends forever; why should your new intimate friendship be any different?
Don't let the excitement of meeting a wonderful person take you into that dream space we often associate with being lost in love. Perhaps you've been lonely for awhile now, and you're afraid this one might get away. Remind yourself that if you truly have a connection with someone, it isn't that simple. They don't get snared like a fish caught on a hook. If it's really meant to be, slow down, keep cool, communicate, and take your time. It may be a wonderful time to relish what will turn out to be a lasting relationship based on trust, friendship and communication.
Now that's definitely worth the wait.
0 yorum:
Post a Comment